Am I at my Wits end?

Anyone that really knows me could tell you that I have an affinity toward words.  I frequently have words rolling around in my head waiting to be dissected.  My dad and I often play games with words, one week we spent several days of our communication playing with words related to trees and leaves.  I love silly games. Especially ones I get to share with my Daddy.

There will be days that I mull over a word that just keeps rattling around in my brain, never really sure where they stem from.  But my mind just won't be set at ease until I have properly defined the word and figured out how to properly and comfortably insert it into my conversations.

Two phrases that have been on my mind this morning--as I sit and watch my 2 year old son scatter Cheerios all over my kitchen table and floor, while my 1 month old baby girl nurses incessantly--were "I am at my wits end" and "She a beauty? -- I should as soon call her mother a wit." So I asked myself, what does it mean to be at my wits end? I know I have allowed myself at times to get so overly frustrated with the craziness of my boys that I often feel like pulling my hair out in frustration, and have thought and possibly even stated that I was 'at my wits end' but if so, what would that really look or feel like?

If wit has meanings such as: powers of intelligent observation, keen perception ingenious contrivance; mental acuity, composure, resourcefulness. And witty is amusingly clever in perception and expression. Then I would say that one doesn't have to be ready to explode because of frustration, If I am sitting still allowing the world around me to fall apart, not finding the humor in life or the situation, then yes...I'd say my wit has ended.  It's a rather empty feeling to be sure.  Knowing that there is much you could do in the world around you and yet having no motivation or joy in doing these things, or to even be unable to think up a snarky quip about how much I may dislike the thing at the moment.

I feel that most of the time, I am a pretty witty person. It really is my favorite attribute of myself. And that's saying a lot because I am my own worst enemy...I thoroughly annoy myself, worse than any younger sibling ever could.  I wouldn't say that I'm a very funny individual, I couldn't do stand-up comedy, but I do so love to laugh.  And I find my jokes and quips quite humorous...at least I know that there is always one person laughing at my jokes...even if it is just me.  That was when my thoughts turned toward the Jane Austen quote.  I may very well be in small company of people that think me witty.

Seeing how we have within the last month welcomed our 6th child into the world, our first girl, I am constantly doing a self assessment of whether I am experiencing any form of PPD.  Most of the time I can label my situation the result of exhaustion, or at times just a touch of the "baby blues."  Today on the contrary, I find very interesting...I seem to be overly logical, and lacking emotion or exasperation. Not sure how I should treat myself or be treated by others...I just feel kinda numb.

As my list of To-Do's grows, my normal reaction would be to stress out, conversely today my reaction is more akin to none of it really matters, let's just have a bonfire and burn the whole pile so we can stop thinking about it.  I know this doesn't really help anything, but it is a rather satisfying feeling to just throw it all out the window.  In essence, maybe all we really need to do is Simplify.

I hope you've enjoyed this journey into my mind.

Rice & Beans

On Tuesday our family was all gathered together with the senior missionary couple that is serving the military families in our ward.  We were discussing gratitude and the story if Christ and the ten lepers. The question was posed to #1 "Why is it difficult to be grateful at times?" I'm sorry to say that after two days I've already forgotten most of our discussion, but I do remember #1 saying something about "If all you had to eat all the time was rice and beans..." I smiled when Elder S. said "Don't you like rice and beans?" #1's response was genuine, "I Love rice and beans, but if you only focus on having the same food again, you won't really appreciate all the hard work that went into preparing it for you."

You might guess that during the 10 years that my children and I supported my Hubband through college and dental school, we ate beans quite a lot. Fortunately, my Hubband has always been very encouraging of my culinary abilities.  Like many new brides I didn't know much about cooking and started out with frozen meals and a lot of baked goods. I LOVE to bake!!! Especially in the winter time when the house is cold.

The vey first meal that I learned to cook almost completely from scratch as a bride was Chili.  We had been given some ground venison that my brother-in-law had shot and shared. I had no idea how to prepare it, I'd never eaten deer before. I called my mom and she suggested chili, so I picked up my courage and drove to the store. I armed myself with a couple cans of red beans, and a chili seasoning packet; grabbed the fixings I needed to make corn bread and off I went to battle with my kitchen. It wasn't a flop, I was amazed. Our hungry bellies were fed and I was excited that I had a new recipe in my arsenal. It was a great confidence booster.

Over the years my recipes and skills have evolved, and I have become great friends with the Internet. Hubband loves when I invent a new recipe or improve on an old favorite. He asks me how sauces or cheesy soups can be made smoother, or what makes the cheese curdle in certain recipes. And I have my homework cut out for me to find the answer and practice my new knowledge. My new favorite form of encouragement came this weekend when Hubband presented me with a proposition. "If you make dinner, I will wash the dishes. EVERYDAY."

Anyone that knows me could tell you I didn't need to be asked twice. I love having him home at nights! In our whole married career, I have rarely had the opportunity to have him home to help me put the kids to bed at night, let alone actually getting to sit down for meals together. Now I have a clean kitchen and way more energy and motivation to "Kick it up a notch." (Sorry that's not my cute family.)

One of my favorite things I have learned over the years of cooking beans from dry is that you absolutely must salt your water before you start cooking them. The other is that if you are going to be seasoning your beans in your finished dish, just add the seasonings at the beginning with the salt so they can pick up the flavor while they are boiling. So, even though dry beans have to cook for HOURS, they taste So much better than canned beans. Yes I am guilty of letting my pot boil dry, and I've burned more beans (and rice) than I'd care to admit, mostly because I've lost count, but I am so happy that this is one of my family's favorite meals. They motivate my creativity.

Today I'll end with one of my dad's favorite quotes from when I was little:

"Beans, beans are good for your heart. 

The more you eat, the more you're SMART! 

The more you're smart, the better you feel. 

So eat your beans at every meal."

Inaugural Post

My best words of advise...be careful what you vow. For years people have tried to encourage me to write a blog. I was intrigued by the idea that there would be anyone out there that would actually care to hear the rambling of my inner thoughts. Let's face it, I drive myself crazy so why would anyone else be able to put up with me?!?  But I must admit that I have some absolutely wonderful friends.

In all, my reasons for NOT blogging are practical, I don't have the time or dedication to commit to the maintenance of a blog. I am very infrequent at posting anything on FaceBook and that's really a minuscule time commitment. I also feel that allowing others into the inner workings of my mind would somehow scare them away or disentigrate the illusion of awesomeness that I work to tirelessly to portray (scoffing and eye rolling appropriate at this moment).

In actuality, I came to the conclusion a very long time ago that it really doesn't matter if other people think I am a total idiot, as long as I do my best to not intentionally offend them I can live with myself; and since I am the one that is stuck with me, I'm okay with that.

For the last 3-4 years one of the items that I have not been able to check off my daily task list is to write in my journal.  I actually have more than 1 ongoing journal, one for spiritual thoughts, one for momentous occasions and such, and then the one that I have never written down and is slowly disappearing into my memory banks with a permanent freeze on the account, I doubt most of those assets will ever be released to the public, not even in probate.

Today I decided I was tired of loosing all the wonderful cyber treasures that I spend a rather large amount of time procuring.  When I find an awesome recipe online that my family likes, and realize I've forgotten to bookmark it, or which device I bookmarked it upon, or even worse when I tweak a recipe making it even more amazing than the original (I frequently adjust the recipes not always resulting in a success) how am I to remember all these wonderful tidbits?  

Some (like my sister) would endorse sites such as pInterest but truly that site doesn't hold my interest, it merely gives me a headache. Turning the World Wide Web, more into the "tangled web we weave." 

So here I am taking time to make a blog; wherein you may see crafting ideas, patterns for needlework, educational treasures, pictures and videos of my five little Monkeys (whom I love dearly and appreciate most when they are away) in essence the name of my blog speaks volumes of my life.. If you've made it this far and are still with me, you must be a true friend...if you gave up reading a long time ago, don't worry, I really never expected you to read me in the first place.

While I will try to make this Cyber Journal organized so that one day I may be able to peruse the archives of what is otherwise lost inside me; I can't propmise that anything you find here will live up to your standards or expectations. I am totally okay with that.  And I'm sure if you find things here that could be improved upon, you are more than welcome to do so...on your own blog.  I'm doing this for me, and I hope you are okay with that.

So welcome friendly observer, to the Chaos that is My Life.

Oh, and if you should come across a word that you don't understand, do not fear, it is likely a Toni-ism.  Most are self explanatory as read contextually. Yet if you should ask, I will do my best to explain.